Getting even with a spouse for any kind of action can become a reflex if it's practiced long enough. The problem is this it becomes a never ending cycle of one up man ship that can only lead to unhappiness, separation or even divorce.
Whether a spouse is simply doing something annoying like stopping by a friends house on the way home from work without calling, planning a night out with the boys/girls without checking first or something more serious, like watching porn in secret, having a secret lunch with the ex or having an affair; revenge is not the answer.
Plotting revenge can be fun, exciting and even comforting, but those feelings are fleeting. Grabbing a few friends and dashing out to a bar to get even for a spouses fun night on the town without you, is as detrimental to your relationship as a secret Internet flirting session with a stranger. Neither are productive to the marriage and neither will solve hurt feelings or loneliness.
The first thing to do when stuck in a 'getting even' relationship is to be the one to stop. Then decide whether this relationship is worth saving. Is it possible to accept the annoying or even hurtful behavior of the other spouse? Consider whether it's actually the spouses behavior that's the problem or is it the reaction that happens when unacceptable behavior occurs? Will this unacceptable behavior by the other spouse stop when the 'getting even' ceases?
Communicate with your spouse. Explain that 'getting even' is no longer an acceptable response to anger or hurt feelings. Talk calmly, without blame about the issues causing problems and allow the other spouse to respond in kind with their own issues. This should be done when you are alone and will not be interrupted. It may also be necessary to stop the conversation and reschedule, if tempers rise.
The next step is forgiveness. Forgiveness is possible even when a spouse has cheated. What's important to know about forgiveness, is it doesn't always happen instantly. Sometimes it takes months, even years to truly forgive a cheating spouse. Sometimes the forgiveness must be given again and again. The important thing to remember about forgiveness is that it's impossible for an injured spouse to heal inside if anger is still present in their heart.
When 'getting even' is off the table and the two people who love each other want to make a relationship work love, patience, acceptance and forgiveness are the key factors. Put the relationship first, before friends, before work. Be patient about the occasional backslide as both spouses work together to move toward a better relationship. Accept the behaviors that cannot be changed and forgive past injuries
